This surgery that I was about to have, put an end to any lingering thought that I would ever carry a child.
As I was sitting in the the waiting room for my surgery yesterday, I began praying for ease of mind and comfort for my children, my husband and myself, the skill and wisdom for my surgeon, Gods healing hand and for there to be no complications,
However as I was sitting and praying, I was preparing for what this surgery meant for me as a woman. I had made peace long ago with the fact that I would never carry a child, know what it was like to have morning sickness, feel a child grow in my tummy and everything else that goes with pregnancy – it hit me that this surgery that I was about to have, put an end to any lingering thought that I would ever carry a child.
In that moment, I started praying not just for myself but for all women who so desperately want to have children but have been unsuccessful and are frustrated and feeling hopeless about not being able to conceive and create a family she so desires, and for women like me, who chose the path of foster care and adoption to fulfill that longing and desire to be a mom of one or many.
Being a Mom is something I dreamt of as most girls do, as a little girl I fantasized and dreamed of being pregnant and creating a family with my husband (insert celebrity crush of the moment)…my dreams and fantasies did not revolve around becoming pregnant in my late 20’s, unmarried and in a relationship with a very controlling and verbally abusive man and then losing the only child I would ever carry at 8 weeks (not to mention the ongoing feelings of guilt, shame, and unforgiveness towards myself and him) as well as the intense longing and desire I still had for my child, and the not surprising end of that relationship. Then not finding husband until my late thirties – a man who had children and had a surgery of his own to prevent additional children and never did it occur to me that I would become a foster and adoptive mom.
Now as I am home, and recovering under the care of all my nurses (big and small), I am overcome by emotions of gratitude, love, and a sense of peace.
I am grateful for the family that my husband and I have created together by our design. Derek’s and my journey, from when we met to now has been divinely planned. Bowen and Cameron and their journey to our family is full of serendipity, courage, God’s timing, and redemption.
I look at our family of 6 and am overwhelmed and filled up by the love in this house. Considering our children come from 3 different families, the age difference between our teens and littles and we have a variety of diagnosis and challenges amongst them, I am constantly reminded of the love they have for each other and our family.
In this season of life, I am at peace….FINALLY! I am at peace with decisions of my past and know I will meet my angel baby one day, I am at peace with God’s plans for me and my family, and I am at peace with my perfectly imperfect family that my husband and I have created by our design.
I am ready for this next season of life as a woman and mom….I look forward to feeling healthy and alive again, I look forward to no longer being anemic so that I can begin running again and have the energy to keep up with my busy littles, I look forward to new beginnings and the journey that lies in store for me and my family in 2017.
It is in this holiday season, I am reminded that there is no typical journey to mommy-hood. God knows my heart for Him and children and He has blessed me with children that NEEDED me to be their mom. I was not MEANT to carry them or give birth to them but I was MEANT to be their MOM.